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A few weeks ago, one of my bosses messaged me to check in and see how
everything was going as AJ’s arrival had come earlier than we had all expected.
We were chatting back and forth on how I was going and how her and her boys
were going when she asked me if things felt any different. It was a hard question
to answer as while I felt like it was different it was hard to put into words what
it was that was different. Then AJ was admitted to hospital for abnormal
breathing and suddenly I realised why being a mother was so different to being
a nanny.
You see for over a decade, I was in a job that I loved. Sure, it had
its down points but overall, I loved being a nanny. I loved getting out and
doing things with the kids like going to the zoo or playing in the park or just
going down to the local café for a milkshake after school. I loved helping them
get out into the world and discover new things about it and themselves. I loved
helping their parents raise these amazing little humans during happy times
and supporting them through challenging times. I created bonds with so many
of the families that I work with that I still keep in contact with them over
Facebook so we can keep up to date with our lives and let me just tell you it
is shocking when you see your first nanny kid start high school!
I loved everything about my job and I still do.
When I fell pregnant, I didn’t feel nervous about bringing a new tiny
human into the world. I was excited to do it. Sure, pregnancy was something
that was completely new to me but I knew that once our baby was here, I was
going to rock it as I knew much of what many seasoned parents already knew. I
got off easy with my pregnancy in many ways and even as my due date was
arriving, I felt no sense of nervousness. Just excitement.
Then my waters broke three weeks before I was due and things slightly
changed but not enough to change my outlook on things.
It wasn’t until about a fortnight ago that I was finally able to put my
finger on why I felt so different. Sure, I was sleep deprived but I knew that
everything that we were going through with her was completely normal. We were
in the fourth trimester. AJ was still adjusting to the world and we were adjusting
to her. I knew all of it wasn’t going to last and eventually we would hit our
stride but that didn’t stop me second-guessing myself.
I found myself double-checking the amount of milk she was having on Google
when previously I would have just checked once and gone with it unless the parents
had told me otherwise. When I wasn’t sure if she was going through a growth
spurt, I messaged a friend who was a nanny herself to double-check that I wasn’t
looking too hard at something that wasn’t happening.
The biggest thing that I found myself double guessing was my responses
to AJ’s health. Where before I would make a snap decision and immediately
contact the parents if something wasn’t right with the child, now I was looking
for second and third opinions. It all came to a head after a couple of bad
nights and my sleep-deprived self missed some abnormal breathing that
thankfully some friends picked up in a video I posted on Facebook. But even then,
I still wasn’t sure and went to T and then to the same nanny friend mentioned
before. In the end, I decided that we would just go and get her checked to be on
the safe side.
That decision ended with just being admitted to speed up tests for a
couple of things the ER doctor suspected and ended with AJ spiking a fever and
needing a number of tests that included a lumbar puncture. Thankfully, she is fine
and the doctor believes that what had presented in me as hay fever was actually
a virus and she had picked it up.
Looking back on it all, I even now realise that a lot of the decisions
I make have me skirting between complete and utter assurance that I’ve made the
right choice and the worry that I’m seeing something that isn’t there due to
first time Mum nerves. It’s exceptionally confronting to find yourself in a position
whereafter ten years of confidently making decisions regarding the children in
your care your confidence is suddenly shattered by the arrival of a tiny human
that shares part of your DNA.
So, while for many mother’s motherhood is learning everything from scratch, for me it’s relearning everything and looking at it from a different perspective.
It’s accepting that I have the knowledge and the experience behind me
and relearning to trust my intuition because it has not let me down before.
It’s looking at things through different eyes and knowing that the
knowledge I have hasn’t changed, it’s my perspective that has changed.
It’s me rebuilding my confidence and knowing that what I’m going
through is completely normal and just like starting with a new family, I still
know the basics it’s just who I’m caring for that has changed.
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